They call it writer’s block. I’m not really sure how you can define it but I’ve struggled to write anything lately. It started with finding a new job. The job wasn’t one that I wanted but felt I needed and by the second day I was ready to crawl into a hole thinking how I wasn’t good enough for any normal job. The next day I felt better as I decided if it was making me this unhappy, I was going to quit. I took my laptop, had some coffee and decided to write and I immediately began to feel better.
What happened next took me by surprise and I guess it is still sticking with me. I got a phone call from my mum telling me my pet tortoise, my first ever pet looked very ill. I called the vet and took him in immediately and the vet told me he only had a 20-30% chance of survival. I must have cried the whole day. The thing about me is I hold onto hope, a slight bit and I will clutch tightly. The day after they called and told me he was responding and feeling a little better, I was relieved. They told me he was still far off but I felt this was a step in the right direction and I believed he would make a full recovery.
I had decided to meet a friend for coffee on the Saturday morning and before I went I called and they said he was lethargic and didn’t look too good. I was so upset but I went out waiting more news. I remember being so caught up that I crossed the road without looking and was inches away from being hit. Then I cried in the middle of the street, I just cried. I managed to pull myself together and thought it will all be okay. A couple hours later I got a phone call to say that little Flash had had a cardiac arrest and didn’t make it. I bought a plant went home stood in the rain digging a hole and crying.
When I picked him up, I couldn’t even open the box, I just went off for a long walk in the rain feeling distraught but mostly guilty. A tortoise is supposed to live a long time, at least 50 years and mine lasted 2. Those feelings of worthlessness and uselessness came back to the surface and it supported my claims that I could do nothing right. For the most part, I felt guilty and this is probably why I was most upset. I would lay awake and think if only I had followed my instincts it wouldn’t have happened but when a so-called expert tells you something you’re likely to believe them. As much as I would like to I can’t blame them, it was my fault. I had lost all faith in hope, that having hope caused me to be naïve and sometimes things just don’t work out.
What I learnt was that there is a time and a place for everything. Although the future can be forever changing, some things just aren’t supposed to be and maybe this was one of those things. I think the hardest thing was for me to forgive myself, I kept playing the events in my head and I just felt worse. But last night I had a breakthrough I refused to let it play again and chose to fill my mind with something else and it worked. This isn’t just about Flash though, it is about learning to move on, learning to accept what events take place and ultimately just trying your best no matter what and believing in yourself and believing that your best is good enough.