I walked passed my old college yesterday and wished I could go back and do it all over again. We always think that we would make different choices, but would we? Would we do it all over just to end up in the same place, it seems pretty pointless.
I have had a really bad case of writers block recently, but as I lay awake at 5am, I felt that it cleared and I was finally ready to write. I didn’t, instead I fought my brain for as long as I could because I was also desperate to sleep. The reason I can’t write is because I feel that I am bad at it but is that even possible.
In my thought process, I realised a lot of things about myself. I was becoming the person I fought so hard not to be a few years ago. That self-absorbed, selfie taking, obsessed person. The truth is that is far from what I am.
I avoid crowds because they make me nervous, I love to hide behind books, and I like to be invisible. The best part about being 16 was being invisible and at the time I hated it so much but now I crave it. Everyone likes attention, we pretend we don’t and that is part of the problem. We have to stop being ashamed of who we are because we fear what others think. The worst thing is when you look in the mirror and fail to recognise yourself.
My biggest problem over the year has been losing faith and belief in myself. I have also become paranoid that the people closest to me see me as a joke because that is how I view myself in the mirror.
In my previous post I wrote about making my life more private and hiding away from my phone. I tried it for two weeks, it didn’t help. I very rarely use social media especially snapchat unless using quotes, but over the last few months I found myself obsessed with showing people how I live a fun life but really I feel like it showed how I started to take myself more seriously instead of living in the moment.
I am who I am. I am a bookworm who likes to create different worlds to live in. I like living in a bubble filled and I love to dream because it takes me out of the real world. I love football and fitness. I have the most bizarre range of interests. I am different but I am proud to be. If I was the same as everyone else the world would be a boring place. I am now ready to crawl back into my hut and live in my own world. It is good to live in the real world but in order to stay happy, the world you create in your mind should exist to. Who’s to say that isn’t reality.